Rule one of copywriting: don’t annoy your prospect.

For the columnist or blogger, getting the reader annoyed comes with the job. For some, it may even be the job. You’re allowed to raise hackles. It’s part of expressing a strong opinion. You’re writing from an individual viewpoint, and you want to stir up a discussion. Controversy – even anger – is good.

If a copywriter tried that, he or she would be out of a job. Marketing copy is an uninvited guest. People choose to read news articles and opinion pieces. They don’t choose to be emailed with your latest offer. So, as any uninvited guest would, you try to be good company. Respectful. Entertaining. Sensitive about giving offence.

That’s why copywriters have to be more careful about their choice of words. I wouldn’t write about a company that’s on a crusade to improve productivity in the workplace because for a sizeable proportion of the world’s population, a crusade isn’t a morally admirable action, but a genocidal medieval invasion. That didn’t stop George W. Bush from using the phrase “this crusade, this war on terrorism is going to take a while”…but no sane person would take George W. Bush as a model of semantic sensibility.

Nike’s ad I am the bullet in the chamber blew up in their faces. The athlete whose image they used was Oscar Pistorius. But even if Pistorius hadn’t shot Reeva Steenkamp, how smart was it to use a gun analogy in a world where shooting sprees are depressingly commonplace? You could argue that taking offence has become a new online occupation and people overreact. But you wouldn’t get far with that argument with a client who has just blown a big chunk of marketing budget to get named and shamed on Twitter.

Bad writing can make people annoyed. And how. Get people talking about marketing emails or mailers and it won’t be long before you hear the phrase: “My pet hate is…” Some people are touchy about being addressed in a chummy, over-familiar tone. Others hate the cod-pomposity of ‘myself’, as in: Myself and the team will be delighted to welcome you… My own gripe is the email or letter that starts: As a valued customer of ABC Stores, I am writing to tell you about our fantastic mid-season sale*. To hold it against the brand when you’re addressed in ‘bad’ English isn’t particularly logical. After all, we’d forgive the same mistakes in an email from a friend. But copy isn’t a friend – it’s an uninvited guest, so different rules apply. When a good click-through rate is 3–4 per cent, you can’t afford to irritate even one reader in a hundred.

‘Don’t piss off the prospect’ also includes your data and how accurate it is. I’d much rather Vodafone wrote to me as Dear customer or Dear sir rather than, Dear Mr User One Swallows. Admittedly, that’s a pretty stupid example of data entry. But is it always a good thing to use first names anyway? The only person who calls me Nicholas is my mother. So when I get a marketing communication addressed to Dear Nicholas, it just reminds me how little the brand knows about me.

So there we have it. Scan your copy for offensive cultural assumptions, don’t give it too many airs, get the grammar right and get to the point. And if you can’t persuade a prospect to choose your brand, at the very least don’t make them actively dislike it. Otherwise you’ll never get another chance.

*The writer of the letter isn’t the valued customer: I am. They should write: ‘As you are a valued customer of ABC Stores, I am writing…’ Or: ‘As a valued customer of ABC Stores, you may be interested in our fantastic sale.’ Of course, I could simply accept the words ‘you are’ are implicit and not worry about the dangling modifier. But I don’t. I just stop reading.